Prunes are not to be eaten by the handful
The great part about being friends with Mary long-distance is that it’s largely the same as being friends with her locally. It’s made up of text messages and IM. And she usually has something funny or fucked to say that I can put on my blog. Behold (edited for space and content):
Chair: tell me something funny or fucked up about your life. You haven’t been on the blog lately
Mary: um, we went to the coast. Last week.
C: Nice. Doesn’t make the blog.
M: I received the fourth and final installment of heiress money. this is actually good, you should like this.
Mary’s grandfather left her family a little money when he passed. But Mary’s grandma, (Gma as she appears in IM) doesn’t like Mary nearly as much as her brother. Mary called her a bitch when she was around 14. So Gma gave brother his money, but didn’t tell Mary about it. Her mother found out about this and has made it her personal crusade to get Mary her share of inheritance.
Phil, Mary’s boyfriend, has been trying to play online video games with her brother, but Phil can’t keep up with her brother’s new video games. “He’s always playing something new. Jesus, it’d be different for us if we had nana money too.” So Mary mentioned this joke to her mom, who suddenly became livid and called Gma and “turned into Tony Soprano,” demanding she stop withholding the inheritance.
M: the old lady FLIPS. phill is now a sonofabitch who is only with me for my money. im rotten, who would do that to her grandmother. my mom seemed to have gotten a kick out of it, until the old lady told me off, told me she didnt want me coming to her funeral. she didnt want anything to do with me anymore. then she called my mom up for days on end, and got her so worked up (my mom) had a mini stroke and ended up in the hospital
C: Holy shit. is she better?
M: she is
i havent cashed the check yet
how was that?
C: pretty good
But I wasn’t planning on blogging about it until this part:
Mary: i made the mistake of mindlessly eatring prunes this morning, which inevitable has consequenes. so i send a text to my mom ‘prunes are not to be eaten by the handul’
Chair: does it make you shit a lot?
M: omg, i was in the can every 30 mins. and i decided to send a text to landline message of that to my grandmother
Mary is obsessed with ‘text-to-landline.’ If you send a text message to a landline, a robot lady calls the line and speaks a phonetic approximation of your message.
M: I sent a text message to caroline once that read, “wakey wakey, eggs and bakey”
C: I miss Carolline
M: it said, “wack-y, wack-y.. eggs.. and.. back-y”
C: that’s fucked up that you send anyone a landline text message much less your estranged grandma about eating too many prunes
M: *nods* my mom thought it was hillarious
C: what did the message say?
M: “prunes should not be eaten by the handful”
C: that’s making the blog. we have a winner
M: prunes a better story? hahaha
C: yep. it’s got that ‘x factor’
M: oh, and she apparently sent a reply back, grandma did, i tried to listen to it, but i think for some reason it didnt take
C: too bad (Pause)
people at the coffee shop I go to are hot
M: i’ll send it to the number of the coffee shop ur at if u have their number
C: and it sounds like a robot or something?
M: oh, it totally sounds like a robot. i ran in to August at thanksgiving and he was like, “send me dirty text messages so the robot lady can read them to me”