The Audit

In one of the fever dreams I had, someone came to my house to perform an audit of my life. More like a departmental review. I’m getting older, so I guess it was time to take stock of how I’m doing at being an adult. I brought this up with a co-worker and we thought of a few things that are solid watermarks for adulthood, like having framed pictures on the walls, tapestries on the wall are big knocks.

Camila took me to Target a couple weeks ago to apartment shop. She downright refused to let me buy certain things, claiming “You will never have sex again.” She actually took things out of the cart and put them back. “You are almost 30, you can’t have a Spider-man bathmat.” I did win on the shower curtain though. She wanted plain, but instead I got goldfish.

I think I’m doing alright, but here’s what I imagine the audit would catch:

1. My bed is on the floor. I read a stupid article on dating in the Portland Mercury, where this woman said she’d never date younger men anymore because she can’t handle sleeping in a bed on the floor. I’ve been self-conscious about it ever since. (-20 points)
2. I have a coat rack. (+5 points)
3. I use an electric toothbrush. Sometimes I don’t use it for the full two-minute cycle, but I try. (+10 points) I do not floss though. (-5 points)
4. Several bookshelves with neatly arranged books. (+5) One of the shelves is filled with action figures (-4)
5. I own and care for a pet. (+10 points)
6. Framed picture of my little sister. (+5)
7. Framed picture of Willie Nelson. (-5)
8. Two framed rock concert posters on the wall. (neutral)
9. Four unframed comic book-related posters on the wall (-3. This would be much worse, but they’re non-superhero, indie comic art posters, so I get a pass. If I frame them, I might even get points!)
10. I eat in front of the television on a piece of plastic I use as a table. (-10)
11. I live alone (+5) in a studio apartment (-3).
12. I have health insurance (+10)
13. My bathroom has a color scheme (+5. Thanks Camila.)

So, let’s see, that gives me a score of, carry the one, and: a Two. Wow, that’s completely of no use to me. Come to think of it, in the dream, there was never any score. And most of the dream I was just trying to find out who ordered the audit, and then I found out it was Knives and got all upset. I knew that she was doing it out of care for me, but I was upset that she would go over my head instead of just coming to me with her concerns. But I guess she can’t speak English, and somehow was able to communicate with the auditors so she must have felt it was her only option. Anyway, take the test yourself, and see if you’re good enough.

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8 Responses to

  1. Sharice says:

    I just got back from signing docs for the refinance of my house. how many points does that get me? No, but really, does it mean I’m going to get laid?

  2. Mr. Chair says:

    Oh yeah, home-ownership is big points. Maybe even the biggest single score you can net. Second only to a child. As for the latter, I guess it depends a lot on how far from the ground your bed is.

  3. Catfish Vegas says:

    What a wacky-ass dream – you should take Knives to the vet, just to make sure (or alternately, as punishment for ordering an audit on your ass).

    And I guess I gotta claim condo points, but I swear that’s all I got…

  4. Mr. Chair says:

    That’s bullshit Swede. You own property, and you’ve had a steady job for like ten years.

  5. Catfish Vegas says:

    Circumstantial! I associate exclusively with sketchy fuckers and can’t keep plants alive.

  6. Mr. Chair says:

    You loan the sketchy fuckers money if they need it!

  7. Catfish Vegas says:

    But only if they need it to buy drugs!

  8. Mr. Tim Finnegan says:

    That’s basically what a Dad does.

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