Happy New Year… aw shit.
I lost a whole post late last night. I was trying to get something up to replace the Christmas post, because that’s like leaving up your lights into january. Depressing. I started to do a retrospective of the year, but it’s all gone now. It’s like web-alzheimers. Still, it was a year of extreme highs and lows. Great heartbreak, followed by an attempt at rebirth in Utah, a huge mistake. A nervous breakdown in Zion, then on to grieve in Arizona. I found shelter, healing and a surprise relationship in Tucson. Almost stayed. I look back on that time very fondly, as well as that relationship, though it started, accelerated and ended before it got off the ground Then an explosion across the country, spanning 15 states I can immediately remember. DC with Jerry, a life that I still find myself homesick for now and then. The Midwest, Denver. Finally, lest I forget the important stuff, a happy ending for 2005. Finding Lipe. Remembering happiness again. A triumphant homecoming to the Portland, just in time for the rainy season. The house. And just as a life, a job and a home can crumble through your fingers, never fear. Friends, hope and a credit card can do wonders.
I had a bunch of friends visit recently (to be posted soon) and we had some retrospective conversations on our years. I didn’t have the best year, necessarily. But it certainly did work out pretty goddamned well for me. Catfish and Face pointed out that though it began in pain, my willingness to face it head on and seek out a route to eventually return to the living was directly responsible for the closing trememdous fortune of 2005. I really appreciated that insight. Also, an earlier conversation with Lipe gave me another fondness for this last year. We were sitting around in DC, discussing how we had this little mini-life set up in Jerry’s office. In the nation’s capitol. Touring around and setting up flashes of home across the country, like Bruce Banner. It really hit me how fortunate I was this year, either by my own doing or a series of coincidences and opportunities aligning, to have lived so very much in just one year. I hope I don’t take it for granted in the future, or keep trying to live up to that head-scratching wonder and gratitude for life I managed to tap into during a fleeting moment chatting in Jerry’s condo.