Notes from my trip to Phoenix:

  • Conversation with my kid sister. Me: What have you been up to? Her: Mostly playing Sims. I made a gay couple. I can get them to make out. Me: Cool.
  • I no longer hate my sister’s dog. She shaved the dog’s disgusting ratty hair and now she has a whole new personality. It’s like she had an extreme makeover and her whole life has improved. My sister thinks the attitude change is just because I’m not so mean to her.
  • The dog still pisses all over the house from excitement, and I caught my mom crawling along the floor, sniffing the carpet for stains.
  • My friend Joe, who is a constant target of abuse on this website, is very happy because a lady friend of his is in from out of town. He’s been having so much sex that when he has an orgasm, nothing comes out but a puff of white smoke.
  • Many of my friends are doing well with the ladies lately. I heard that sometimes female roommates’ menstrual cycles align. Maybe it’s a similar effect.
  • A Tucson roommate was visiting friends in New Orleans. He drank so much that he gave himself Pancreatitis, an affliction common in 60-year-old alcoholics. He’s 26. When a co-worker found this out, he said, “Wow, he’s skipped ahead to bum stage.”
  • Contrary to conventional wisdom, the activities of a bachelor party are indeed on the record, and in some cases can actually endanger the whole wedding. Don’t ask for details, just take heed.
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