Hijacked from corporate America

Cingular bought ATT Wireless, my sugar daddy, for $41 billion cash. That’s right, they dished out the money on the spot. Big business, and all over the papers. From the outside in, I always wondered if these corporate people were stupid or smart, savvy or braindead, and likewise for their employees. Now that I’m inside the castle walls, it’s even more difficult to tell. I look around and see people in bluejeans, with piercings and tattoos, ties and skirts, surrounded by messages like the following. There are people who are clearly half-retarded from birth, those who are obviously using the system, and some who thought they were taking advantage of corporate America at first, but now have been dissolved into the sea of crap that rules the daily lives of big business workers. At what point do we stop just pulling down a paycheck and start becoming part of the quicksand of bullshit that comprises the bulk of mainstream America?

I’m drunk by the way. Fuck you. And here are some actual samples of e-mails that I get at work:

###

Hello everyone:

At least 1 cup of coffee a day is what many need to get through the day. Others need two or even three!

Coffee pots are located on each of the floors for your general use.

If you take the last cup, as a courtesy, please re-fill the pot so that the next person will have coffee available too.

–This is from the main supervisor! What a fucking asshole. Boohoo, the little bitch didn’t get the last cup of coffee! Come out and say it and don’t be such a pussy. If such an email went out at a newsroom, the sender’s balls would be cut off and fed to him.

###

Hi Team,

Good morning, I hope everyone had some good night rest and ready to tackle those work list down. You guys did a great job yesterday, even with the system issues, you all stayed focused and worked on them, keep it up. I just want to make sure we all got a grip on working the CT81 and 82, I know you hadn’t worked these for a while or have never done them before. If that’s the case, please let me know. All right team, let’s knock them out.

—Holy crap. This is my immediate supervisor, who I actually trained. That’s right I trained my supervisor. God bless her, she’s so stupid that if she ever tried to fire me I could probably show her a piece of shiny metal and she’d forget all about it.

Another of my favorites is not in email, but in a huge banner stretching 7 feet or so across the cubicle wall of Ron Oliverio, who penned that exquisite coffee memo above. The sign states:

“GROW THE CUSTOMER”

What a perfect example of the English language being used as a latex glove over a sore-infested hand, jerking off the office employee. What does that even mean? What crappy, ball-less use of words.

So anyway, did I mention I’m drunk. I listened to “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” and a James Lee Burke novel on audio book this week. Tomorrow I’m going to take part in a protest march, I think. I’m curious.

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